Getting to Grips with English

Speed Reading

In a world where time seems to be a commodity that most of us have less and less of, wouldn't it be nice to be able to read the collected works of Shakespeare in about half an hour ... and remember what you read ... and retain some of the inner world created by the reading experience. But is it possible?

Reading for me is an enjoyably slow process. Listening to the dialogue as I read it, creating the author's world piece by piece, moving at the pace of the events that are unfolding. It seems that speed reading would be like watching your favourite movie in fast motion or listening to your favourite singer sounding like a chipmunk on steroids. Would you lose more than you gained with speed reading? The raw information in any text is only part of it - the rest is experience.

While I was 'googling' I stumbled on an article about the 'World's Fastest Reader', Howard Berg (happy face on the right) - this is what they say about him:

'Howard Stephen Berg is widely acclaimed as the World’s Fastest Reader. His accomplishments have been recognized in The Guinness Book of World Records, recorded in major newspapers across America, and demonstrated on more than 600 radio and television programs nationwide.

Realizing while a college student that he had never been taught how to learn, Mr. Berg pioneered a revolutionary reading system that incorporates powerful psychological methods as well as traditional mechanical techniques. The result is increased speed with dramatically enhanced comprehension and retention.

These methods have enabled Mr. Berg to read over 25,000 words per minute and write more than 100 words per minute. He is also known for advanced problem-solving strategies.

Trained in psychology, Mr. Berg served for 10 years as an officer in an electrical construction corporation and for 10 years as an educator. For the past 18 years, he has been a highly acclaimed and greatly demanded speaker at schools, corporations, and government facilities, motivating and teaching individuals how to reach their true potentials.'

So at least it seems to pay!

For reading reports, emails, newlsetters and technical manuals I can see that this would be a great benefit. I recently bought a new 300 page web design 'bible' and I'd love to be able to chew my way through that in about 10 minutes. But when it comes to poetry and novels I'm not so sure.

I'll get back to you on this one after I've tried Howard's 'fail safe' method!

Course required : English for scammers!

Most of us get bucketfuls of spam every day and it's become a daily ritual deleting emails that have slipped past the spam blockers and filters. It's very rare that I get an obvious scam email and feel like sharing it with the world but this one is the exception and I have to thank 'Pansy' (what an excellent name for a scammer!) for sending me this. Of course, it's the language that I love ... I don't think I really need to say much more ... I'll just let you enjoy it as well!

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Sir/Madam,

Your current situation has been discussed to the compulsory commissions, and upon conscientious consideration, we are able to offer to you the subsequent prospect.

Based upon conscientious consideration you make the grade to receive a openhanded benefit on your primary property investment.

By completing the subsequent attached form in a timely manner we will be able to complete our assessment, and we feel firm you will receive not only a reduced rate of interest, but also a cash return that will carry out all your holiday needs and more!

With kindest regards,

Pansy Bell

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Have you got an enquiring mind... or is it inquiring mind?

In Amercian English there isn't an argument on this one - it's always an inquiring mind but in British English the jury is still out and it seems that either spelling goes.

Why the confusion? Well, ENquire is the Old French and Middle English form and INquire is the Latinized form - it seems both had pretty current usage since written English became established.

Some people feel that there is a difference in meaning and that 'enquire' means to 'ask a question while 'inquire' means to investigate ... If you're in the USA, as I say, this isn't an issue but for the rest of us it seems that you can still choose between those who follow Chaucer (enquyrid) and those who follow Shakespeare (enquire).

All about image

Yesterday, I answered a short question about contractions and got this reply from Vivien:

Thank you for providing the term and meaning of 'contractions'. Currently, I am working with an American '.com' company that is young and  struggling to be taken seriously. In reviewing their written correspondance to their customers I noticed they frequently use contractions. This is one of the business communication practices (amoung others) I will be attempting to dissuade them from using. Contractions are acceptable in casual communications however, are generally out of place in business communications. Thank you for your time, Miss Viv

It's a pretty formal sort of reply by today's standards using words that you could probably simplify to say the same thing - it says something about Vivien - at least about what she thinks is 'correct' business English. But is she right? This was my reply to her:

Dear Miss Viv - that really depends on the image that your company wants to project. English, like advertising, is capable of carrying a lot of sub-text 'message' and contractions can, of course, carry a message about the organization. If you want to create the idea that your customers are your friends then contractions would be one way of helping to create that impression. The more structured the English becomes the more formal will be the presentation and image - we are not living in an age where 'formal' is equated with 'good business' - take Skype as an example... young and onetime struggling, now rich and global and still using contractions!

I'm having contractions...

Vivien Hammel, one of my Online English Grammar readers wrote asking:

'What is the proper term for words which are joined by an apostrophe? This is something that bothers me. Yet one sees so much more (in business) than I recall at a school.

For example: you'll

Thank you for your time and consideration of my quesiton.'

Vivien, the proper term for this is a 'contraction'. We use it more and more, as you have noticed, in written English and use it all the time in spoken English. Some common contractions are:

• I'm for I am
• You'll / he'll / she'll for you will, he will, she will
• They're / we're / for they are / we are
• Don't for do not
• Won't for will not
• Can't for can not
• Aren't for are not

Although contractions such as would've for would have and should've for should have are common in spoken English they still don't enter into written English very often but with our 'need for speed' it proably won't be long before they do!

It all makes sense ... not

This was sent to me by one of the English4Today Club members (thanks Ramon!) who is learning English as a second language and thought that this just about sums up why he's ready to bang his head against the wall!

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The rubbish dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• He could lead if he would get the lead out.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• I did not object to the object.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• The buck does funny things when the does are present.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail
• After a number of injections my jaw got number.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you Can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up and down at the same time and, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

Why do you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And while we’re at it, why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?

Is the phonetic alphabet really that powerful?

In my last post I talked a little about how an understanding of English grammar can take you a long way to being a better communicator and a better learner.

Not long after I posted it I was re-reading Marshal McLuhan's 'Understanding Media' and came across his thoughts on the influence of one of our language's most fundamental characteristics - the phonetic alphabet. I thought I'd throw some of these in here as they are certainly thought provoking even if you may feel they take the case for the power of the alphabet too far!

Our alphabet, according to McLuhan, where 'semantically meaningless letters are used to correspond to semantically meaningless sounds' (unlike, for example, Chinese ideograms) is the 'secret of Western power over man and nature alike'. McLuhan's argument is that the phonetic alphabet breaks up into a linear and progressive mode experience that is, of its nature, not at all linear or progressive and that this is why:

' Western industrial programs have quite involuntarily been so militant, and our military programs been so industrial. Both are shaped by the alphabet in their technique of transformation and control by making all situations uniform and continuous.'

His argument is that language is at the very heart of how and why we do things the way we do. It is constantly shaping and dictating our actions and perceptions.

Since I found out that some cultures have no way of expressing the past or future in their language (can you imagine English with no way of talking about the past or the future?) the power of language to actually 'build' the way we see the world has fascinated me - so don't be surprised if it pops up again in later posts!

Grammar: What's all the fuss about?

When I was at school we just weren't taught English grammar. We certainly didn't miss it! The Latin and French teachers gave us plenty of grammar in those languages and escaping learning about English grammar seemed a very good thing to a ten year old.

It was the period when English teaching used a 'function based' approach - that is, you learnt the language in a context or for a particular function. This teaching 'fashion' was as true for native speakers growing up and learning about their own language as it was for speakers learning English as a second language.

After school I studied English Literature and Language at university where, perhaps amazingly, grammar still didn't feature that much. I did get a brief (and I mean 'brief') introduction to English grammar when I did a post-graduate teaching certificate but even then the emphasis was on teaching the English a student would use to buy a sandwich rather than on how the sentences were constructed - not all bad and certainly not worrying enough for me to stage a sit-in until we got more grammar tuition. After all, even the word 'grammar' seems to have an odour of dusty books, dryness and incomprehensible rules for sticking together mechanically what we all say naturally.

Some years later, in Geneva, I fronted up for a TEFL job (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) in a local language school. I was feeling pretty confident given my bundle of degrees and certificates and thought the job was in the bag. So when I was given an 'on the spot' test of how I would teach the Present Perfect I was left speechless with my degrees now looking no more useful than cleaning rags. I cobbled some rubbishy explanation together that didn't fool the school's director for one minute. Fortunately, I was given the chance to go away with a borrowed grammar book to come back again the following week for another test. So began my exploration of English grammar!

It was a little like being a cowboy and suddenly finding out just how useful a horse is! Once you get past your own preconceptions about the nature of grammar you find you're sitting on something incredibly useful. If you need to write, speak to people, work in English, learn another language, communicate ideas, prepare reports, manage people, study ... is there something I've left out? - that should include just about all of us - then learning about how English is put together and how you can put it together more effectively is an invaluable skill. Sure, there are parts of it, like learning anything (ever tried learning a computer programming language?) that are boring but the big picture, as it emerges is one that can't help but enrich your life. Grammar enriching my life, get outta here! But it's true. It's the foundation of the language and from that foundation, if you understand it, you can build exactly the sort of structures that you want and you'll feel far more comfortable and confident about every act of communication that you make.

Welcome to the English4Today Blog

Welcome!

A lot of my readers and users of the Online English Grammar and members of the English4Today Club send me comments and questions which I've found difficult to keep up with over the past year as the number of emails from them continues to increase. I'm hoping that this blog will go some way to providing answers to many of the most frequently asked questions and to allow me to explore some of the more marginal highways and byways of the English language with you.

Points about English grammar are well covered in the Online English Grammar so I don't intend to make this a series of posts that cover grammar points that I've already dealt with in detail there. I'm more interested in using this as a way to look at and talk about some of the more unusual, surprising and interesting (to me anyway!) ideas about the English language and how the English language is used or abused around the world. So it will be eclectic rather than structured and idiosyncratic rather than academic!